|—||Chuck Palahniuk (via only-by-night)|
I was raped. It has taken me almost a year to finally believe it is not my fault. I am not your common victim. I was not a virgin, I was not a child, and at a previous point in the night, I was willing. I had been dumped a few hours earlier. I was heart broken and vulnerable. After much pressure from my “best friend”, I chose to smoke a joint. An hour later i willingly had sex with said “friend”. I was lonely, sad and vulnerable. I knew it was a mistake, but it couldn’t be undone. Shortly after falling asleep, i was awoken by this man on top of me. He was thrusting inside of me as if i were an object. He finished and went to sleep. I laid for the rest of the night shaking and confused. The word “rape” did not come to mind. It had previously been consensual. He used a condom. I just laid there and didn’t do or say a thing. Though, i did not want it or enjoy it, it didn’t hurt. I felt betrayed and hurt. I left in the morning and never said a word. Not to him. Not to anyone important. I called my mother. She told me it was a rape, but i didn’t see it that way. I never told the cops because there was no proof. I have been living with it ever since. I became extremely promiscuous.
I am now happily married and working through my problems. But I have not confronted the person who did this to me. I have a good life and I don’t regret my past. I just want to be whole again. I don’t want to be hurt anymore.